TSA is normally not funny. At all.
Having recently traveled with my father, it compelled me to assemble some of the funnier stories I’ve encountered.
TSA “Exploding Luggage” Story
One of us (Dianne) admittedly likes to take full advantage of every cubic inch of their luggage. On a recent trip, we were going through security and she got flagged by TSA to be further checked. I was already through security so I waited at a respectful distance as the TSA agent took her carryon over to a table and asked if it was ok to open it. Dianne said “yes, but be careful it is packed pretty full.”
As she unzipped the luggage, it burst open from the pressure of everything inside, kind of a mini explosion. It startled the agent a little and she starting laughing saying she’d never seen a bag packed quite so tight. Dianne responded, “yeah, my husband often teases me that when we get to the hotel and I open my suitcase, it looks like the suitcase has thrown up all over the room.”
<insert TSA agent chuckle here>
After a couple of minutes searching for non-existing real explosives, the agent finally found the offending article, Dianne’s chai tea container. It was a cylinder with an aluminum lining which in the X-ray machine looked like, well, not good. The TSA agent asked Dianne to open it up so she could check it out more closely. It looked like the chai tea as depicted on the container and smelled like chai tea.
Upon the completion of the search the agent came to the conclusion that Dianne is pretty harmless. Something the rest of us already knew…
The TSA agent then confided that Dianne had made her day.
TSA No Metal Story
The set up
In front of me there was a middle aged woman and her mother, and it was clear that the mother did not speak very much English. The younger woman went through the metal detector first without incident.
When the mother went through the metal detector made its ominous beeping, and the elder woman was sent back. She was instructed to remove all metal from her person (via her daughter’s translation). She removed her large metal bracelets from her wrists. Even though I could not understand what she was saying, her tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language, made it appear she was unhappy about removing the bracelets.
She went through a second time and the metal detector beeped again. The daughter then asked her mother if she had her necklace on. I assumed this as she when asked the question, her mother responded by taking off her necklace.
Once again she went through the metal detector only to beep yet again. The mother had a quizzical look on her face, but I could see the light bulb go off in the daughter’s brain.
Then it gets interesting
With the daughter quickly dashing backwards through the metal detector, the TSA agents were getting agitated and began to shout. The mother and daughter were now also shouting at each other in another language, with the mother clutching her chest and struggling with her daughter who was reaching into her mother’s top.
After a few seconds the daughter’s hand comes out of her mother’s shirt with a fabric coin purse. The purse looked like it was loaded with change. The daughter throws it on the conveyor belt with a disgusted look on her face. Then they both walk back through the metal detector and all is silent.
I passed through quickly and went to pick up my bag. The TSA agent said to me in a snarky voice, “You forgot to remove your laptop from your bag”, to which I replied, “Sorry, I was a bit distracted…”
TSA No Paper Story
As my 88 year old father was going through security, the agent asked us to remember to take EVERYTHING out of our pockets, including paper.
In full compliance with the requirements, we emptied our pockets. My Dad seemed to to have an inordinate of change. It took him 3 times reaching his hand into his pocket to get all the coins.
Because he was 88 and has a pace maker, my Dad went through a different machine than me. I sailed through, but for some reason he was stopped to get wanded and patted down.
The officer was patting him down and when he got to his left front pocket, politely requested my father empty the pocket. My Dad put his hand in and pulls out a huge wad of paper napkins, mentioning he thought that “no paper” only applied to money.
The TSA agent was not impressed.
So when TSA makes the statement of no paper, they mean NO paper.